the book launch – part two

Last year was rough for Luke and I. We lost another baby.

Luke wants more kids as much as I do. I’m grateful for that. Many friends have told me of their own baby yearnings which have been met by a flat out ‘no’ from their other half (male and female). But there are times when I do wonder if it would be easier if Luke just said, “You know what, this is too hard. Why don’t we give up the dream.”

When you are reproductively challenged there’s a down side to having a partner who wants a child as much as you do. With every loss I feel his pain as well as my own.

During this last pregnancy I started writing The Secret Pregnancy Diaries. A rough journal of my experiences – unedited, unproofed, uncorrected. A pure outpouring of my emotions. I think I hoped it would be a record of the journey to our ‘happy ending’.

Here’s a sample:

the flowers that bloomed so beautifully when I first found out I was pregnant – the ones I held onto because it was the first bunch you ever bought for me – today have to be thrown out. as I carry them – lilies – the flower of death – as i carry them outside to tip onto the garden they shed their delicate petals, like tears, behind me. Levi exclaims with sadness, “Mummy, your flowers are dead”.

In those same diaries I wrote about my husband’s loss:

Your pain, intuited, is almost too much for me to bear. I can’t carry your pain and mine too.

Things have been tough for us since we lost this last little one. Our Sunshine Coast holiday in January did not heal us. The loss – papered over in the festive rush of Christmas – was raw. Gaping.

This is why I hoped beyond hope that my husband – not a big fan of the ‘social occasion’ – would come with me to the launch of Zoe’s book.

To Be Continued…

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13 Comments

Filed under loss, parenting, writing

13 responses to “the book launch – part two

  1. An Idle Dad

    I guess my story was great timing then, while you were on holidays! Shit.

  2. Cil

    Oh Jayne, those flowers. I remember that day and I was so happy for you just for getting flowers, but they were so much more.

    In some ways I can’t imagine what you must be going through, yet you tell this story in a way I can understand just a little. You truly have a gift and I hope it’s helping you while you are out there educating and helping others.

  3. Pingback: the book launch – part three « the best of all possible worlds

  4. I kept journals during all three pregnancies, and some of the info written in them were not very joyful, and like you, when I started my first journal, I assumed it would be kept for recording all the happy stuff – not the two miscarriages I had before getting pregnant with my son. And then later the miscarriage between my 2nd & 3rd sons.

    Writing stuff down helps us put things in to perspective, helps us sort out what we’re thinking and feeling. I hope it is a help to you, regardless of what it is you’ve had to write.

    Thoughts are with you. x

  5. Jayne, The way in which you write is in such a way that it captivates the reader and transports them into the story. I hope that by writing about your experience somehow you are able to deal with this pain. I hope that whatever happens your dreams are fulfilled. And I am not sure how all of that will pan out for you, but I am looking toward hearing the rest of this story as it plays out.. Lots of love to you and fam! XXXXXXX
    I wish there was something more I could say to make things better! But I will be here as a tweep anytime you need!!

  6. PlanningQueen

    Such powerfully evocative writing. I can only begin to imagine how difficult this is for you and Luke.

  7. You write so honestly about how it isn’t only your loss, it is his loss as well. And how do you navigate that together without it tearing you apart? Thank you for sharing. x

  8. I’m just catching up here… but wanted to say I’m so glad Luke is on the same page as you with the keeping trying bit. I’ve had two friends whose husbands have said no- one b/c of the hearbreak of secondary infertility, one b/c he thought they already had enough kids- and that has been such a strain on their marraige. Infertility is too (I remember that well from my own three years of hell), but at least you’re both fighting from the same corner… Sop tough about having to manage his pain as well. I’m reading on…

  9. Pingback: the book launch – part one « the best of all possible worlds

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